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Saturday, 30 April 2011
To Lynn
这一切不是梦，也不是遗憾。痛，总有一天会慢慢淡去，但是他的好一定不能忘记。相处虽然短暂，却是生命中美丽得像梦一样的回忆。 Lynn，从今天开始你必须学会独立了。不能再因为小小的挫折或不快乐而依赖他。就算是忘不了那温柔到有些残忍的双手，也要提醒自己是可以在没有他的日子里快乐的生活，打从内心地露出快乐的微笑。就像他所说的一样 "Remember to take care of urself and smile ok?"。你也希望他也可以在没有你的日子里过得幸福，坚强。 如果你的心是一栋房子，那你和他点点滴滴的回忆就像一个个从不同国家带回来的纪念品。这些纪念品固然让你爱不释手，但是假如把它们乱放在房子里的各各角落，屋子不但会显得凌乱，放久了纪念品还会长灰尘，对健康无益，谁也不想住进来。所以，你应该把它们好好地收拾起来，小心翼翼地放进纸箱里，再把它收藏在房子的一个角落。这样一来，偶尔你可以把它们拿出来欣赏欣赏一番，同时，干净和整齐的房子才可以再让对的人住进来。 你一定要过得更快乐。我相信你可以的。记得，要保持微笑。=)  Wednesday, 27 April 2011
Hmm..
I've been surfing the net aimlessly from 1am till now (almost 2am).. Wanted to write an entry, but i have totally no clue on what to say. But im determined to write something. 莫名的执著。lol. Had a breakdown ytd night.. Been crying too much this yr. If i were to collect my tears, I guess the amount of tears collected so far from this year is far more than that collected in the last 5 years. lol. Dont understand why im so whiny this yr. lol. Cried over injuries.. netball.. and for the obvious reason.. men (surprising.. studies is not included. i guess i gave up on that alrdy. lol). The emotion is not necessary sadness only.. it could be pain, anger, touched or 委屈. Such a cry baby. haha. Though i like to cry so much.. i think i only cry infront of my closer friends.. so some ppl might have this wrong idea that im a very strong person. Also not bad la.. so ppl wont think im 好欺负 come and bully me. I still rmb when i was in primary sch, i cried when i was watching ultraman. Not becos i was scared by the monster, but becos i felt very sad for the monster that was being killed by ultraman. I was thinking.. "the monster attack ppl cos it wants to live what.. y kill it? ultraman so cruel~ T_T" Then.. when i was in JC, i cried a sea over a newspaper article. Its about lonely old men and old ladies picking up card boards for a living. Was too angry about their children refusing to take care of them.. and at the same time felt my heart ache for these elderly. Their lonely 背影.. T^T The newspaper was wet after i finished reading it.. lol. A few days back, i cried when i was reading an email from my prof.. He sent all the students an email to sort of encourage us in our studies. What he sent was very simple, yet not those very superficial and formal email. His email is kinda long.. so i wont paste it here.. But what i wanna say is.. I can really feel that he was speaking from the bottom of his heart and he's truly caring for us. He's so far the nicest prof that i've met. Touched~ T^T Ytd.. i cried again. What can i say? 分离永远是感伤的... Dont dare to think about it now. I dont want to cry again. 回忆只要不碰就不危险。
Sunday, 24 April 2011
愚人的国度
"爱是愚人的国度 看我们演的好辛苦 是你所谓的领悟 我不懂 我不哭 看悲欢喜怒每一步 是疲惫还是依赖的束缚 来 你能不能再重复 让我懂 让我哭 再让时间停住 把自己 看清楚 不必再说假如 我 穿过一地荒芜 幸福 不能碰触 爱是愚人的国度 不能自拔 不懂退出 我们都回不去最初 曾美丽 但还是不满足 爱是自愚 愚人演出 答案清楚 才能谢幕 剧情 是笑 是哭" 无语，是哽咽在喉咙的话说不出口。 无语，是让你我感觉到模糊的美丽。 无语，是挣扎着想解开心中的疑惑。 无语，是不想感受你那无情的刺痛。 无语，是因我而存在的愚人的国度。 What i wrote above summarised how i felt recently. Speechless.. indeed.
Friday, 22 April 2011
Bye Bye~
I guess my friends must be thinking im crazy.. willing to cut my hand open and get all the stitching to remove a mole. lol. Been explaining the same thing over and over again for these 2 days. lol. I want to remove the mole becos i cant stand its existence.. like a pretty picture u just developed and suddenly u realised there's a nose shit stucked on it... Highly irritating. lol. friends treat it like a button/ flea/ beetle.. lol. I tried to remove it once but nt successful (cos it grew back). So this time round im very determined its gone forever. haha. But most imptly, i want to remove it cos i jux want to change my luck. HAHA. kinda down to luck these few yrs (now start to blame the mole for it. HAHA.) i know it sounds a little superstitious.. but if we look at the psychological aspect, it can signifies a new start~ haha. NEW START NEW LIFE! =D Anw~ about the procedure.. though its a small surgery.. and im awake.. i dont dare to look at my hand when the doc is operating on it. scare i'll faint.. again. HAHA. The whole process is kinda bored.. cos i was lying on the operating stage and the doc slicing my hand that is on anesthetic.. so its pretty painless.. even during the stitching part. The pain came ytd nite.. when the anesthetic starts to wear off. T_T i feel like my hand is paralysed. cos i dare nt move it too much to increase the pain. OUCH. lol.  Cleaning my wound in the afternoon.. The bloody wound.. have to wash it with antiseptic and apply antibiotics myself.. so scary.. =s how i wish someone can do it for me. HAHA. The antibiotic cream, cotton ball, and bloody bandage.. HAHA. gonna continue with the cleaning for 2 wks.. untill the stitch can be removed. =3= Btw~ my bro jux came back fr tianjin last week. bought a few souvenirs back and he also bought a guitar. And im learning guitar fr him now! muahaha~ gonna master guitar ~ XD but.. since i cant strain my hand cos of the wound.. I CANT PLAY GUITAR FOR 2 WEEKS. Totally sad-ed. T_T *sobs* Hope i can heal soon~ beloved guitar~ wait for me~ <3  The panda girl. Pandas from my bro.. HAHA. 4 pandas in the pic if u look closely. LOL.不管了~好玩就好~哈哈！
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Faints
Ytd i went for my appointment with my mum at National Skin Centre to remove my mole on my hand and test for skin allergies.The doc wasn't able to perform the surgery (she says the doc is going to cut away the mole.. then stitched the wound and leave a scar that's twice the length of my mole. =s) and arranged the surgery nxt thurs. The doc also suggest me to take blood test to verify my allergies to seafood, grass and alcohol. So this is the 'exciting' part.. After the person drew a few tubes of blood which is pretty painless, me and mum went to the waiting area to pay for the consultation and blood testing. After i sat down, i told me mum "mama.. i feel abit dizzy eh.. *lean against the wall*" Then my mum told me not to faint.. and when i reach the cashier and sat down.. my vision suddenly got narrower and narrower, with a growing black ring filling my whole vision. I broke into cold sweat and i knew i cannot take it anymore alrdy.. so i just rested my head on the cashier's table. Though i cant really see very clearly what's happening ard me, apparently the cashier got a shock (who the hell in the world will faint from blood testing? lol) and passed me.. Green tea (i though should be milo?). lol. And i guess a nurse happened to pass by and hurried to get a packet of milo to me. She led me to a resting room nearby (which is less then 20m from where i was, but took me forever to walk there. lol) and let me rest on the bed. I felt alot better once i lied on the bed and my mum said i was damn pale. I was laughing at myself at how weak i was. Luckily i didnt faint on my way to the resting rm where all the patients were ard.. or else i'll just continue to remain in the unconscious even if i wake up alrdy. lol. This is the consequence of not eating my breakfast. lol. I thought i was strong enough that a few tubes of blood taken away wont affect me. Then.. i realised i was utterly wrong. lol. And i guess even if i eaten alrdy, if i were to donate blood, i think i'll still faint with the amount of blood drawn away. lol. People~ pls rmb to eat ur breakfast when u do blood sampling and doing some vigorous exercise (almost fainted last time during netball camp cos i never eat my breakfast before the training. lol). Dont end up in the malu situation like mine. haha. Suddenly i thought of a song by 卢广仲： “我決定每天都要吃早餐~”
Sunday, 10 April 2011
Shopping spree~
When out with my mum today to causeway point to buy my formal wear for the presentation on monday. Only wanted to buy blouse, skirt and black pumps.. but in the end.. this is what i bought..  The set of formal wear + sandals + shoes + socks + marbled bangle + charles and Keith wallet.. HAHAHA. 失心疯acting again.. LOL. Really like the skirt~ The 1st time i see myself wearing office wear.. I guess my friends will get a shock if they see me tomorrow. HAHA,When i was keeping my shoes, i found out that i have shoes here and there in my hse. So i got curious and made a detailed calculation. So i ransacked all my shoe boxes.. and below is the amazing collection~  A total of 18 shoes with an assortment of pumps, slippers, boots, sandals, wedge~ HAHAHA. Im just a little crazy about buying shoes. Cant resist myself from buying nice shoes. haha. Seems like im someone that requires "high maintenance", but i must clarify.. IM NOT! lol. Cos the total i spent on shoes is roughly ard $500.. Which is pretty cheap for 18 pairs of footwear.. hehe. XDI cant set myself to studyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. How? Im hopeless~ D:
Someone Like You The first part hasnt happen to me.. yet. Perhaps soon.. "I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it, I had hoped you'd see my face, And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over." 中毒太深~
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
='(
Monday, 4 April 2011
Die
DIE 詞曲：翁詩耀 I close my eyes I sat and cried I didn't realize what I had done What I had tried Tears mixed with blood fell to the ground Blurring my mind I cut my wrist I lay and died I said my last word and wrote one song previous night Sang about my life Sang about my soul I sang and cried * Die The drugs I had inside Had took me to a paradise With you all by my side Die It's time for me to die When world had left me all behind I'll sing this song and die Ok... I'm not going to die yet. So ppl pls dont get the wrong idea. I just like this song.. thats all. lol. His voice can calm my emotions.. so i went to look for his performance. Been working on this topic about suicide for my project. I'm regretting choosing it as the topic cos its pretty depressing how many ppl wanted to die. By the time i finished typing this post, i think there's more than 10 ppl who died from suicide. U can try typing "suicide" on youtube and you get to see many sadist videos about people killing themselves in the most sadist way. If u dont have a strong heart for bloody graphics or u are not in a good mood, i dont recommend u to look at the videos. But i think the most heart wrenching part is not about the video, its the people commenting on the videos. This is one of the comments that i saw: "should i stay? or should i leave? i had everything taken away from me. i've been depressed and thinking about killing myself for about 5 years now. i want to leave so bad but i'm afraid i will hurt someone even tho they never really was here for me in the first place." She's a better one who actually consider about other ppl caring for her and i can still see some hope in her. Some totally given up on themselves, saying things like they are the biggest loner in the world and seems like they cant wait to leave the world. I felt like replying all comments, but i think it'll be meaningless. Y people want to give up on their lives so easily? There's always difficulties, there's always sadness, there's always anger, there's always unfortunate events happening. People die, but definitely shouldn't end meaninglessly like suicide. Issues can be resolved, even if you think you cant resolved it, it is still not enough to end ur life. Ending one's life by suicide is the most foolish way of running away from problems. Total coward act. Friends, family, or even a stranger are actually caring for them, and i think they just fail to register that. They fail to understand how heart broken their loved ones will be if they leave the world.. they fail to think with a clear mind.. they fail to understand how wonderful it is to stay alive and get to see another day ahead of them. One thing ppl who committed suicide succeed. They succeed in hurting their loved ones deeply. Friends, this is what i wanna say... Life's always tough, but we must be grateful that we're still alive. =)
Again again again.. Its an irritating feeling surfacing again. =.= kept reminded of certain things that i choose to avoid and ignore. tsk. When u choose to run away from certain things, it'll just keep chasing after u and bug u until u break down. I'm not immune to everything alright? Dont try to test how much i can endure. I wish it'll rain heavily now.. so i can stand under the rain and cool my head. =.= I wanna run away.. from so many things. I need a break. I wish i can go somewhere that i can put all the worries/troubles aside. Somewhere that i can.. Be myself. But i guess its impossible to be able to find the place or time to do that. Actually... i guess all i need now is just a hug. =( There's always a little truth behind every 'joking', a little knowledge behind every 'i dont know', and emotion behind every 'i dont care'. Saturday, 2 April 2011
Breathes
Ok. I need to breathe. Saw something on fb again. A little of 打击 to me. A little. =.= Supposed to be doing my report now, but i guess i'll just rattle for awhile before moving back to my work. I need some time to calm my state of mind now. lol. Its a really weird personality of mine. Sometimes i know certain things will hurt me if i see them but i still choose not to block/delete certain ppl. Its a "im-curious-though-i-will-bleed-to-death" kind of mentality. I wanna see how's the person is doing but at the same time i know very well that i'll get the prick at my heart if i see the updates. Very contradicting. Very sadist. Its the same like ppl already told me there's a wall ahead and be careful not to bang on it, although i heard them, i still bang into the wall and check if it really hurts. lol. Or else, i guess i wont be convince though the fact is so obvious. Weird right? I think this pt of mine is really weird. Maybe im enjoying self-torture subconsciously. lol. Been doing so much of self-evaluation recently... Sometimes i dont uds myself. lol. Do u uds me? If anybody does, pls tell me. Could be very useful to me.. Pull me out of this complicated maze of confusion in my head. lol. Some time back, yuting and tk bought me a yellow elmo that i named Elting (ELmo+ yu TING = ELTING hahaha). And the reason for this sudden gift is because yt wants me to find a kind of 心灵慰藉 from Elting. hahaha. U know i know la huh.. haha! So instead of ending up punching at plushies every time i wake up, i can look at Elting and smile. hehe~ =)  SM, Elting and me! Elting is super cute~~~ ^^ we're also equally cute. HAHA.  Elting with the pretty peach ice cream from Italy. Aww~ so sweet~ =) I think im more optimistic recently. Hopefully its not a form of self-denial. Hopefully im not deceiving myself. lol. That day, one of my friends said something to me. My friend thought what he said might hurt me, but i felt ok at the moment. And im still feeling ok now. Even im amazed myself that i remained so.. "unharmed" from what he said. I believed i had a stronger heart now from the waves of 'tsunami' that i experienced. Good. I'll be strong. I can do it. =) Oh well.. I feel better now. 平常心，平常心. Better in time. =) Hmm.... Oh. I uds. Friends with benefits...
Friday, 1 April 2011
她
她最讨厌的人就是在她面前自以为是，以为魅力无穷的人，对于这种人，下场只有遭到她的冷言讽刺。她讽刺人的技术是很高的，如果她不加以控制，一个男人会被她说的无地自容。她可能永远也不会知道自己想要的是什么，但是她一直都很清楚，她不想要的是什么。她最擅长的是难为自己。她不想你难过，只好令自己难过。她总是固执地认为自己有超乎寻常的承受力，她将自己想得太坚强，而把别人想得太脆弱。她老是担心自己的行为会让别人受到伤害。她不知道，受伤的其实是自己。只是她不知道如何表现出来，她迷糊得像别人所认为的那样，将自己当成一个百毒不侵的人。 别以为她很洒脱，很多时候，她其实是放不下的——她比任何人都要敏感，都要细腻，但她不会让你知道，她明白，即使你知道了，也是无济于事。她的心是把握不住的风，她渴望像风一样单纯而自由。她不是不想平静，她只是找不到平静的理由，她一生都无法明确自己在人世要扮演的角色，她只有不停地寻求，寻求自己最终的目的。如果她找到了，她会毫不犹豫地停下来，从此放弃心灵的漂泊。很遗憾，她永远也不会满足，她的追求永不停止。她的心再累，也无法逼迫自己放弃梦想，梦想是她唯一的支撑点。 在她的心里，盛着的不是快乐的源泉，而是她不愿在人前滴下的泪水。你看到的她，笑起来像一个孩子，你有时会认为她天真得像是童话里走出来的天使。但是，你若有心，你会看到她沉静时脸上挥之不去的忧伤，还有她的眼底，竟那么凝重地积压着一种看破红尘的味道。她只有在午夜无人的时候，才会完全地释放自己。她不会在众目睽睽之下表露她的无助，她的彷徨，她的沧桑。她瓶子里的水，是永远流不尽的泪。你所看到的坚强，只是她在竭力掩饰的脆弱。 她，就是镜子中的自己。 |
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